I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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