Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
