the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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