It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize