i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
