Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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