I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
