I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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