I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
