My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You pole danced in your parka.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
