12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
