no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize