Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
