apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
