I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
