Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
