tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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