I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
