i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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