Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
