All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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