I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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