he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
