I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
