I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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