Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
