I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
