My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
