his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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