guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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