if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
