I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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