I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
