My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Alive.
So much puke
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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