Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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