I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
