Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
