I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
this will be a night to untag.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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