If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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