Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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