I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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