1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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