I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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