I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
