i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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