if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
