my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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