I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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