I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
