She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
