Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
