I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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