I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I had to cum in my sink.
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