What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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