Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
