i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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