i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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