if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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